Intentionally Imperfect
Unlearning obligation to protect joy
During the pandemic, I did a 30-day yoga challenge. You know the kind, where you take part in an activity for 30 days straight. I did this, not only to kill time but also with the hope of building a daily habit that would last. This was based on the popular belief that building a lasting habit takes about 30 days (or depending on the source, 21 days).
The upside of doing this during the pandemic was that I had little excuses for not showing up to the mat, as I was mainly at home anyway. So I completed this challenge perfectly, never skipping a day.
When I was done, I continued for another 30 days, and then another 30. I totaled 92 days straight of yoga. Sounds good so far.
But after that, I stopped. I was sick of it. Bored. Disengaged. I couldn't force myself to come back to the mat and I took a long break from it. It was probably another year until I did yoga again.
How come? I really loved yoga. I was motivated to make it a bigger part of my life. And the 30-day challenge motivated me to show up even when I didn't feel like it. I didn't want to break the streak. I didn't want to fail. And I channeled all my discipline to do this perfectly.
It worked - for 3 months. And then, it didn't.
What I know is that during this time, there were occasionally days where for one reason or another I didn't feel like doing yoga. Yet, I pushed through. I forced myself to do it anyway, simply because it was what I signed up to do. And my commitment to myself and to YouTube's "Yoga with Adrian" mattered.
By "pushing through" I slowly began resenting the challenge, which translated into having a negative energy in the yoga session. Bit by bit, I developed an almost aversive reaction to the practice. In the last few days I took part in the challenge, I stopped enjoying the experience altogether. I needed a true break from yoga.
Luckily, I've slowly re-connected with yoga again, but this case really stayed with me for the last couple of years. I realized that I never want discipline and perfectionism to kill the joy of developing a practice, especially in the creative or flow-inducing areas of my life.
So, fast forward to now, when I'm developing my writing practice (thanks for being here and being a part of it!) I'm very conscious of not fueling my practice with discipline.
I've managed to incorporate two new practices over the last few months: journaling in the early mornings (mostly daily) and writing this blog (mostly every 2 weeks).
I have a general frame for the frequency/pace of each activity, but there's a catch: I only do it if I really want to. And over the last two weeks, a few other things came up that pulled my attention. My parents visited from Canada and my husband and I went on our delayed honeymoon. These were good things, important things. As my core desire shifted to be with my loved ones, my writing practices took the back seat. I still did some journaling here and there, but not much else.
Could I have "pushed through" and stick to my usual practices? Of course. The last story I want to tell myself is that I could not find the time to write. The reality is that I chose not to write because I chose to do something else. And now, feeling no resentment to my practice for holding me hostage to my commitments, I come back. Happily, willingly, energetically.
You see, I want this writing practice (and any other creative explorations I do) to feel like a magnet that is pulling me in. I want to chase the state of flow that I experience when I return to the practice. I want to unlearn any sense of obligation in my creative process.
And that starts with honoring the moments when I truly wish to do something else.
Journaling Prompts
- What are 10 things in your life do you do primarily due to a perceived obligation, commitment to others, or a sense of duty? How would you feel towards each of these activities if you didn't have to do them?
- What are 10 things in your life that you do primarily due to a true desire or delight? How would you feel towards each of these activities if you increased the pressure to do them?